I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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