I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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