I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
