life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
