She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
