I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
