my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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