Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
