when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Pants are for mortals
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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