when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
