The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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