I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
