1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
