Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize