i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
