Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
