If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize