i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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