my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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