1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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