im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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