just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
