my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
