apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
