She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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