If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
