Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
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