after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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