We need to rekindle our bromance
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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