They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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