whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
