you would pick up someone in the library
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
