I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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