I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize