do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
