dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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