I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
