Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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