That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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