is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Randomize
