Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
