I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
