I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
this just has baby written all over it
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
