Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
