Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
