Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Everclear isn't food dammit
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
