Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
