I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
