I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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