he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
