I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
