remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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