you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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