You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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