Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
