Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
