I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
