So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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