Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
