Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize