The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
