while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
