What a fucking waste of an outfit
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
