You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
