planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
